Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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