wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
