They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
