The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
