I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
