I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
