yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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