Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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