He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's shark week go big or go home
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
