How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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