If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I could fuck to npr.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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