please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
