omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
