Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
