his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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