I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
