If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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