Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
