He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
