A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
