i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
