someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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