haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
