Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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