I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
