I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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