listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
