So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
