sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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