I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We had sex on a dog bed..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
