She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
