He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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