she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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