Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
