just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
