wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.