went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
