when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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