Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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