I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
