I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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