I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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