Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
