Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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