Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
