guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
