In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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