dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
