before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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