Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(631): View more from New York

Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!

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(585): View more from New York

He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits

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