sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
