Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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