God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We talked him into tasing himself.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
