If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
