his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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