So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
