Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
