They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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