apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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