Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
