i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I accidentally burped into my bong.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
