just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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