Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
