i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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